Hi Ho Hi Ho

 I got through the High Holy Days without too much difficulty but it was very frustrating at times.  I honestly put off preparing until the last minute, not really knowing how I’d feel. But doing Rosh Hashana online was great, actually. Very easy setup. I just used my phone and my new $30 headset.   Someone set up a TV monitor so people could see me   

I decided i would go into AAEI to do the  Nidre service. I asked my friends if anyone would like to watch me via zoom and i was quite surprised by how many people wanted to, including my cousins in Vegas and my cousin Nancy in FL, and a number of my Malden peeps too. They even “tuned in” on Thursday for my Musaf service and for Yizkor, which I led at noon.  There were about 25 people on zoom. I also watched a friend daven Shacharit online in CT which was a nice change.  

My only real complaint for both in person KN and zoom thursday was that there were just too many people on the Bima, each trying to coordinate who did what.  MS drove me crazy by constantly muting and unmuting me, and telling me when to start, and jumping over me on things.  I don't know but this year i really felt like I should have been more in control but it wasn’t happening.   At one point I just turned off my video and put my head down. I was really pissed.    

Texting with LA later I said you know, I think i am done- I’m hanging up the robe ( which I didnt even wear this year).  It finally occured to me that honestly, they don’t deserve me.  I have finally gotten to the point where I feel that I KNOW what I am doing and frankly, they do NOT.  I’m no Diva and I dont want to seem like one but it was pretty bad. It should have flowed...we should have it down pretty well by now, even given the challenges, but we just do not.  And no one seems to care. It actually surprises me that I care as much as I do.    

I did an ok Yizkor service- i usually do it alone- but I was done after that.   I tried to keep my composure but that was enough.  I ate something ( I sipped on ginger ale in the morning) and lay down and texted with people until about 6 PM, then I packed up all my stuff  (not easy!) including food, clothes and tech, and drove to Waltham for the last hour or so.  The final service is Neilah so its pretty much just the Cantor at the end doing the final service, Amida, then shofar, havdalah and maariv.  With only 20 or so people there and no break- fast after, it was kind of anticlimactic.  I was asked to come to Malden for that but I knew I would not bother.    

When I walked into TBI, I realized that some people there had not seen me in my lovely new ultra short hair cut, and I was mortified, but I could have had an ear coming out of my nose and to their credit, people probably wouldn’t bat an eye. Thats one thing about TBI- the quirkier the better.  MG is always super nice to me.  (RDF  had originally been a little freaked when I told him my diagnosis and I had offered to help HIM get through it!) Everyone is nice, really.  M had a friend with him whom I recognized so I attempted to speak to her but of course I sounded like an idiot.  Small twinge of unfounded jealousy there.  Because, well….me. 

Blurg.  🤦‍♀️

And so a chapter closed on who shall live and who shall die for this year.   Good Luck everyone!!